heyhwa (heyhwa) wrote in writing_wrkshop,

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Hi, everybody. It's HEYHWA. I've recently decided to revise an abandoned tale that I began 1 to 2 years ago called Drarbabi. I currently edited the first chapter but I still would like many suggestions since this the 1 of my 2 stories that I had the most trouble with. If you have some suggestions for the child I neglected for another, please tell. Did I do the LJ cut thing right? I'm so confused.


FIRE! The fire in the cauldron was sending out sparks and smoke
giving the mountain a rather unpleasant odor that would cease all your sense of
smell in a matter of minutes.

This was the mountain. The mountain that overlooked the whole world.
This mountain loomed over the landscape like an unquestioned dictator,
controlling everything around it. It had a very powerful menacing look as it
rose higher than its neighboring brothers.

The plants were few. They were hard and heeded the sun for many years turning
them into a horrid yellow. The dirt was small and grainy with almost the same
hue as the plants that protruded out of it. The water remained within the
deepest, darkest caves concealing an unknown phantom waiting for his time to
come down and wreck havoc on all things

The mountain was a busy place. Many inhabitants inhabited the mountainous
habitat. They were many, they were hidden, but they were very powerful. They
had the potential to be more powerful and today was the day that they were to
begin that journey for complete and utter oppressiveness.

They wore armor, formed in files and began marching off into the west. They had
a task set before them. They were setting off one by one, day after day, night
after night. They were to give all people a new life. A life under the

The ocean had a glittering blue color. It was an enormous ocean that
went down and didn't seem to have an end. There were many things you'd find
typically in an ocean. There was an enormous variety of fish about. There
were also a great amount of reefs and mollusks. But there were things living
that you wouldn't think lived in the ocean.

They lived in a sparkling underwater caverns stalactites and
stalgmites about. These homes went pretty far back with a strong blue
reflective light giving all its inhabitants a slight blueish hue to match. The
walls would glow for eternity with peacefulness and its soft and slightly porous

Smooner lifted his head up off of the bed. He was a human. Actually
he was a citizen of the Aquatics. The Aquatics were the names of the human
beings that lived underwater deep in these blue caverns. They all acted like
regular people and their caverns were their houses living normal and
practicallly unnoticed lives. The most enormous cavern contained the whole city
where supplies could be bought and where the politics
began in the capital. The Aquatics didn't really have any magical talent at
all. The only one magical thing they could create were helmets that would
supply you breath infinitely.

Smooner looked much like other Aquatics. He had bright, hazel eyes.
He had short, stubby nose as well as firm jaw giving him the ability to talk
very fiercely. His hair was black and out of control. He had a very stubborn
cowlick in the back and in the front a great bunch of hair which had nowhere
else to go went forward and sloped down in front of his head. Smooner also had
a talent that not many people would have.

Smooner rolled off the bed quickly as a book shot at lightning speed
towards the cavern wall.

"Sure I avoided it but I still got hurt by falling off the bed," he
said to himself.

He walked over to the purple book entitled The Entitled Book. "Looks
interesting, but I don't remember buying it. "

He walked back to his bookshelf and examined the space it shot out of.
There was a string glued to the back of the case.

"That Frooner and his pranks. He should have known I could have seen
it coming."

At that moment he felt a rumbling in the walls. Smooner panicked,
"This can't be good."

Someone cloaked walked into the cavern and pulled off his hood. This
man looked like an exact replica of Smooner.

Smooner ran up to him and said in a cracking voice, "Dad, what's wrong
with Mother>/"
On top of the ocean lay an island. This was an enormous island with
grainy sand and tropical trees flailing about through the wind. Tonight the
island was standing amidst harsh rains and a dark night.

The trees and a few select monkey type creatures the size of your
fist were the only things that inhabited the island besides the numerous
Aquatics that lived in the giant fortress. The fortress was originally painted
a smooth scarlet red but after years of weathering it had gotten many cracks and
choice black marks from battles of days past. The fortress had four walls that
rose upwards to about 2 hundred feet. Within the battlements above the wall lay
a small tower that rose up about 10 feet with 2 curved spikes at the top
creating a semi-circle. This was a tower of wonder for it always seemed to
catch the moon whenever it was full illuminating the entire fortress causing it
to glow.

A single pointed black gate spanning 20 feet stood in the middle of the
southern wall. Inside the fortress was a maze of stairs spiraling,
intertwining and intersecting in mad ways with a single spiral staircase rising
from the middle. All stairs served as paths to many different rooms and holes
for different forms of attack. They had holes for cannons and holes for arrows.
Other rooms served as lunchrooms for people on watch duty. All that was inside
the fortress was also scarlet red witha few scorch marks here and there from
times when an enemy succeeded in breaking in. This certainly wasn't a place
that was overestimated or deemed unbreachable. However, it was deemed a damn
good form of defense.

This was the form of defense for the Aquatics. Members of the Aquatic military
would be sent out here for watch and lookout against opposing invaders. The
Aquatics didn't build the fortress but they did, however, occupy the fortress
for almost 7 centuries.

The Aquatic soldiers always wore tight armor on their legs and arms with
numerous pointed spikes for close combat. The armor was usually silver, blue,
green usually colors of the sea or underwater plantlife. The feet was always
furnished in silver boots perfectly outlining the exact shape of the foot.
Their hands were the most unprotected parts when wearing their Aquatic uniforms.
All that covered the hands were paper thin gloves that wouldn’t even prevent a

The helmets were indicators of the civilization’s history. The helmets
stood upon their heads with numerous curves or spikes jutting out in the back
like fins of a fish indicating their lives underwater. Inscriptions in the form
of symbols stood above the trapezoidal eyeslits. Numerous seabirds and tiny
warriors spanned across the front of the helmet.

The leader of the Aquatic army was one known as Frooner. Frooner
had a uniform similar to others in the Aquatic army except for a long red cape
inndicating his authority. He had a long curved scimitar which had helped rise
him to the rank of general. Nobody had ever seen Frooner's face beneath the
battle helmet or the mask he wore when walking around the residences in the
udnerwater depths. Only his father, his brother Smooner, and his right-hand man
Hakeem had ever seen his virtually unknown face.

Hakeem stood next to Frooner as they gazed over the battlement as a
new unknown army had arrived promising death and destruction. Hakeem had dark
browns skin and a gentle, almost angelic voice. He shivered as a sudden volley
of arrows knocked nearby Aquatic soldiers to their death.

"Frooner, I think i know who these strangers are."

Frooner replied, " Why do you say that?."

Cannons could be heard launching their projectiles at the men below.
A few arrows from the battlements were released. Then a sudden rumbling
occurred. Frooner and Hakeem staggered about when all a loud explosion of rock
and men flew straight into the air and the falling with the smoky debris. The
gate had been taken.

Frooner and Hakeem reacted quickly. They turned around and went down
a staircase into the main building at the bottom of the fortress. They quickly
went down another diagonal stair case as arrows flew up knocking some of the men
to the floor.

"STAND YOUR GUARD!" yelled Frooner. He quickly peered over the
current staircase and saw a vast amount of men pproaching the middle spiral
staircase. Frooner jumped on top of the stair rail and quickly jumped off with
his cape flapping in in the air. Hakeem followed. They made it safely in the
top of the spiral stair case and quickly started running down it. Frooner
quickly heaved his scimitar immediately slaying the first opposing enemy he saw.
He quickly kicked the next one. Hakeem whirled his mace at the next 3 that came
running up.

At the bottom of the staircase was where all the real action was.
Much of both armies were battling it out at the floor of this fortress. Frooner
quickly turned around and sliced a man's leg. He quickly ducked as mace whirled
to strike an enemy behind him.

"Really, Frooner, I swear I know who these guys are."

Frooner quickly kicked an oppenent with his spiked leg and quickly
impaled another almost effortlessly. Frooner turned to him. "Why?"

"What do you mean why? You know who they are."

"I really don't, " he turned around and swung his scimitar at an
approaching enemy. He crouched over and took off his helmet. The face was
just like a normal human's. Frooner kneeled down. He neared the fallen
soldier's head in the back and felt bumps and spikes. His eyes widened in
horror. They had come back for him. This couldn't be happening.

"No it can't be. I don't want it to be like this. I don't know what
to do. This is all so sudden."

Hakeem yelled, "Make a decision."

Frooner roared, "What do you expect me to do Hakeem?"

Hakeem replied, "Whatever you think you should do."

"But I don't know what I should do."

"You're a general. You need to be able to make decisions."

Frooner looked around. He saw 5 enemies coming toward him with
torches. He tripped one of them with his scimatar and grabbed one of the
torches as he fell. He then whirled it at them. He turned back to Hakeem, "I
really don't know what to do. I mean you need my help. You guys are in mortal
danger but so am I."

Hakeem, " And.....?"

Frooner replied, "I think I'll go see Smooner.. Let's break out of
here. Tell Theo that he is in charge."

Hakeem turned around and talked to the person that had just run up to
him. "Theo, you're in charge."

"How convenient, " muttered Frooner.

At that moment a swarm of enemies came in the fortress with torches.
Fronner yelled, " let's move." Frooner and hakeem ran like like the dickens and
began to run go down a gray spiral staircase. But more enmies were coming up the
staircase. They had enemies on both sides. Behind them were torches. In front
of them were weapons of steel. Frooner pulled out his sword and Hakeem whilred
his mace. Hakeem went behind and Frooner went forward. Frooner had
successfully knocked down one row with a quick swish of his scimitar. Hakeem
whilred a mace at many of the foes, grabbed the torches and tossed them back to
Frooner. Frooner tossed them all in front of him causing confusion among the enemies. He then
charge at them and began swing left and right.


Hakeem ran to Frooner and then they did a spectacular jump over the
fallen, quarreling enemies. They ran out the front door and dived into the
water. They were swimming amazingly fast. They eventually made it back to Frooner's cavern. On a table was a note that said


Hakeem, "Oh crap something's wrong."

"Well, of course. Seriously sometimes I dont' know what to do with
you, Hakeem. You always state the obvious" They got out of the cavern and began
swimming again.They went straight for a while and then they went down. After about 2 minutes
they came to a horrible site. There were mines everywhere. He had no idea that the
enemy had the knowledge to create these. They carefully swam around them all
until they got to another cavern. They walked in. Smooner and father Plooner
were at the bed.

" What's wrong>/"

Plooner spoke, " She went out for a stroll. Unfortunately these
mines appeared to have originated overnight.

Frooner sighed, " well at least she's still alive." He peered to
her head above the blankets.

Plooner exclaimed, "It was damn mine, son. She lost an arm and a
leg and the bandages aren't stopping the bleeding that's coming from her chest.
She won't make it."

Frooner, "SHE'LL LIVE!" he put his face in front of Flantrana, " mom
speak to me."

Flantrana, " There's not much time left. I want you to do
something for me."

Frooner replied softly, " Anything."

Flantrana, "ever since that day when Plooner found you in front of
the cavern and put him in my arms. He said it'd be best if I never see your
face. I tried many times to see my son but never succeeded and eventually
heeded your father's request. But I sincerely want to see my son's face now.
It would ease me before I leave you.

Frooner put his hands to his helmet quickly giving in to his
mother's request, "Mom, remember the people that haunted your life when you see
this." He then saw her eyes were closed and her arm lifeless," Mom,
Mom......please wake up, mom," he looked at her hand and his head bent over. He
whispered, "I'm one of them.
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